


Small Steps

by sugarandspace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 04:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19804660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: Magnus finds out that Alec had asked Simon to turn him into a vampire, and the conversation leads to a talk about old habits.





	Small Steps

**Author's Note:**

> Written after an anonymous prompt I got on tumblr!
> 
> "could you write about magnus and alec after the finale talking about alec's habit of self harm and how he kind of fell into it again during 3b? (like in 316 when magnus is unconscious or kinda in 317 when he's waiting for magnus to come to dinner)"

Things started to slowly return back to normal after the wedding.

It felt like Magnus and Alec finally had time to breathe. While the stress had shifted shape from life-threatening situations and relationship problems to much more pleasant wedding stress, it was still hectic and far from their normal lives. 

Because for once the world didn’t seem to be in immediate danger, they were able to take a full week off from their duties to go for a honeymoon. What no one else knew was that the honeymoon was spent entirely at the loft, instead of traveling the world from one romantic location to another. It was a mutual agreement, though the hesitant suggestion came from Magnus. 

They’d spent so much time apart and away, that neither could imagine a better way to spend the honeymoon than at home, in a familiar environment and with just the other as company. It was far better than any other place they could have picked.

They chose to keep it as a secret from their friends and family. They knew that it was the only way to make sure that they could really take the whole week to themselves. Magnus’s loft seemed to be like a magnet for people with problems that needed solving, and the sure way to make sure that no one came knocking were if they thought no one was home. There was even a note on the door, written on Magnus’ elegant handwriting, letting the potential clients know that he couldn’t be reached until next week.

The week had been needed. On top of being able to finally relax, they had been able to clear some air. Alec had gotten to explain his reasoning for their short but damaging break-up, and Magnus had gotten to explain why he didn’t think it was the right call to make. They’d been more honest with each other than they’d been in weeks, and both felt like they were truly on the same page again.

Things were good.

They were married - things were really good.

It was rare for Magnus to be able to experience something for the first time, but he was immensely grateful that he got to experience this with Alexander. While some things had been unclear between them at the time of their wedding, not once had Magnus doubted Alec’s love or devotion. Their engagement might have happened a bit faster than normal, and their wedding might have been held more suddenly and with less planning than weddings usually were, but they weren’t a normal couple.

They’d been through hell - both figuratively and literally.

It was like a piece of heaven to be able to wake up next to someone who you knew loved you the same as you loved them, to be able to use the word ‘husband’ and to hear it used back in that same loving tone.

The week they’d had was definitely needed, but like all good things, that too had to come to an end.

Alec went back to his duties at the Institute and Magnus started seeing clients again. Lot of things were like they used to be, but unlike before, there weren’t texts about whether or not they could meet when they were done for the day. Alec had moved into the loft, and Magnus got to end each and every one of his days by going to bed with his husband.

The last few weeks had definitely changed Magnus’ approach on topics like that. The loss of his magic and the hardships it had brought on had brought light to how quickly everything could be lost. When before Magnus had been worried that they would move too fast and break the good thing they had going on, it now felt unnecessary to stall when they both knew what they wanted. 

Magnus was truly enjoying his domestic life as a married man.

It was a few days after they had gone back to working that Magnus met up with Simon, and true to his personality the young vampire talked faster than his head could keep up, and there was one thing that struck Magnus, even though he didn’t let it show. 

Alec had asked Simon to turn him into a vampire so he could get to Edom?

Magnus didn’t let Simon see that the words had thrown him off, but he did find it hard to focus on anything else the vampire was saying after that sentence had left his mouth. That’s why Magnus decided to bring it up with Alec later, when they were sitting on the balcony after a dinner Magnus had conjured up.

“Simon said something today,” he started, keeping his eyes forward to the city lights as they sat on the couch, leaning against each other with their arms holding the other close. “Something that hasn’t left my mind.”

Alec groaned at the words, showing his dislike for the vampire even though Magnus knew that most of it was just him pretending not to like him. “What did he say?”

“He told me that you asked him to turn you into a vampire when I was in Edom,” Magnus said carefully, unsure of his husband’s reaction to the words.

Alec tensed slightly and cleared his throat before he spoke. “It seemed like the only option at the time.”

“You would have needed to die,” Magnus clarified, as if his Shadowhunter husband didn’t know how exactly vampires were created. He pushed away from Alec’s side to be able to look him in the eye, and the same sad look Magnus himself had was mirrored in Alec’s expression.

“I know,” Alec said, lifting his hand up to stroke Magnus’ cheek with the back of his fingers. “But like I said, it looked like there weren’t another option. You were alone and Lilith was gathering an army to take you down. I needed a way to get to Edom, consequences be damned.”

“Can a Shadowhunter even be turned into a vampire?” Magnus asked, not knowing how to reply to Alec’s honest words. 

“There aren’t reports of it ever happening, so I’m not sure,” Alec replied, speaking the truth even though he must have known that it wasn’t what Magnus had wanted to hear. Alec lowered his eyes down to their hands and took Magnus’ left hand in both of his. Like a magnet his fingers were instantly drawn to the wedding ring on Magnus’ finger. 

“Alexander…” Magnus breathed out, speechless in front of yet another revelation of how far Alec was willing to go for them as well as the reminder of how little he worried for his own life, when the people he cared for were in danger.

“I know,” Alec said, still looking down. “I know it wasn’t the smartest way, but at the time it seemed like the only way. I couldn’t live with myself if I left you in Edom when I potentially had a way to help.”

“It wasn’t a way to help if it would have led to your death,” Magnus tried to argue, but his words were still gentle. He didn’t want to start an argument, especially over something that was in the past, but he needed Alec to understand. “I don’t know what would have happened in Edom if you wouldn’t have shown up when you did, or if I’d ever been able to leave the place without your help, but if I had been, and I’d come back to find out you were gone-”

Magnus trailed off, squeezing Alec’s hands.

“I know,” Alec said again, his eyes falling shut. “I know. I was desperate.”

“You didn’t-” Magnus started, second-guessing if he should bring up the topic, but continuing as he realised that he needed to know. “You didn’t do anything else like that, did you? Anything that could have harmed you?”

Magnus made it clear what he was meaning when his thumb gently brushed the skin between Alec’s thumb and forefinger, reminding them both of the scars that Magnus had once witnessed there.

“Not while you were in Edom,” came Alec’s quiet reply, and it made worry spike in Magnus’ chest. That wasn’t a definite no.

“But before that?” Magnus asked, fighting hard to keep his voice steady. Alec still wasn’t looking at him, but he held on to Magnus’ hands like they were providing him with strength. “Or… After?”

Magnus was thinking fast, trying to remember any signs he would have missed. But he knew that if Alec didn’t want Magnus to know, he was more than able to keep his relapse hidden.

“Not after, no,” Alec said quickly, looking at Magnus before lowering his gaze back down. “I haven’t felt the urge for… That or anything like that since we came back from Edom.”

“But you did before?” Magnus asked, his tone gentle. He knew he needed to tread carefully if he wanted Alec to open up.

“When you almost died,” Alec breathed out, his words so quiet Magnus almost didn’t catch them. “When you were lying in that bed in the infirmary. I felt so guilty. I should have noticed. I should have noticed that you weren’t okay, and I should have noticed what Lorenzo’s magic was doing to you. I was too focused on the good things to notice the bad.”

“You shouldn’t blame yourself for that,” Magnus said. “I’m very good at hiding things I don’t want people to see.”

Alec shrugged in response, and Magnus knew he disagreed but didn’t want to argue. Magnus knew they needed to talk about it more, but he knew tonight wasn't the right time for it. They were already distracted enough from their topic as they were.

“You hurt yourself while I was unconscious?” Magnus asked carefully.

“Not really, no,” Alec replied and the answer confused Magnus. “I wanted to. I needed the sting, I needed to feel it. There was so much going on and I felt responsible. I needed the pain. But I didn’t use my bow. I pinched the skin to feel the sting, but I knew that I shouldn’t go get my bow. “

“I’m proud of you,” Magnus said and smiled lightly. That sparked a reaction in Alec and he lifted his head up, looking Magnus in the eyes again. The expression on his face was confused.

“You’re proud?” Alec asked, like clarifying that he had heard right. Magnus leaned closer to leave a soft peck to Alec’s lips before he pulled back to look Alec in the eyes again. The confused expression was still present on his husband’s face.

“So proud,” Magnus confirmed. “You might have thought about it, but you didn’t. You could have gone to the roof to shoot arrows and you could have felt that pain you were craving in a matter of minutes. But you didn't. You stayed strong and you fought the urge. I am so incredibly proud of you for that Alexander.”

“But I did hurt myself,” Alec tried to explain, to make Magnus see that he didn’t deserve the praise. “I might not have used my bow but I rubbed the skin until it was angry red. I used the pain to ground myself.”

“It isn’t all or nothing kind of thing,” Magnus explained gently. “You hurt yourself, and that isn’t something to take lightly. But you didn’t go as far as you’ve previously gone. You didn’t use the bow, you didn’t punch a bag until your fingers were aching. It’s all about small steps, darling.”

Alec looked unconvinced but he didn’t fight Magnus this time. 

“You really think so?” He asked.

“I do,” Magnus said, his words sure. Alec looked thoughtful for a moment before he leaned back to Magnus’ side, resuming their earlier cuddling position. 

“I would like you to talk to me next time though,” Magnus added after a moment of silence had passed between them. “Or your siblings, if I’m not the best option in the moment. You shouldn’t be alone with these thoughts.”

“I know,” Alec agreed quietly. “But I did tell you now.”

“You did,” Magnus said, knowing that that in itself was a small step of its own. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Alec said the words back, turning his head enough to leave a kiss to Magnus’ neck before facing the city again. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Magnus said, the arm around Alec’s waist tightening its hold before he continued. “Husband.”

He could hear Alec breathe out a small laugh and he knew that Alec was smiling. The mood might not have been the same relaxed one from earlier, but a serious talk like the one they’d had hadn’t been able to ruin their evening either. 

It was things like this - the care they showed towards each other and the promise of honesty - that truly gave them both faith that they were made to last.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr!! Come talk to me or leave me a prompt!](https://sugarandspace.tumblr.com/)


End file.
